Restoration

It's just a restoration. I didn't lose, didn't gain.
That is the best.

In the blink of an eye....It's Christmas

Have yourself a Merry little Christmas.

Time is running too fast. I believe I was having the same feeling on 24th Dec 2008. You cannot expect who will be the next one to leave you and come to you. All I can do......use what's been given to you.

Merry Christmas, my love.

The happiest, the most pathetic

So clear...so blur

I love this scarf bought from Seoul. I didn't even have a second's hesitation to buy it when the 1st time I saw it from the shop. There are too many complicated issues to handle in life. When it comes to something that can be easily to deal with, I will just keep my mind as simple as it is. Get something that I love in the first sight when I am able to do it. The older, the clear the way I decide to "pursue".

Yet, not everything can be solved by using intuition. The hardest time I had recently made me feel suffocated. I tried to relax and let my feeling to follow suit but it doesn't work at all.
For how many times I told everyone that I am lost. I lose all my interest to hang out, to play, to sing, to work even to go travelling.

If there is nothing happened by coincidence, what is the point for me to plan and to think? I should make my own way or to let the destiny to lead my way? It seems to me that the more determine to find a way out, the blurer my future is. God...what the hell I am doing?

It's about time to?

"Hey Carol, where have you been?"
"Hey gal, how are you lately? Started working?"
"Hey you, where are you" bla bla bla.....

It is quite exhausted to reply people one by one. But it's stupid enough to "announce" what I am doing to all the people. WHO really cares?

People in your life get in and out.

Imagine life is like you are getting on a bus.Everyone got their own path to reach to their designated terminal. You will get off from one bus to another for transition.You are the passerby of him/her and at the same time, he/she is your passerby.You can never control and expect who will get on and off this bus. Someone leaves and comes back in later stations. Someone stays just for a very short time. You don't really know who you can see in the next stop...maybe you will meet him/her again....may be not. At the point of every departure, you feel sad, happy,attached,indifferent,anticipating,worrying.......depends on your role in each journey.


Understanding enough to this theory, I question myself if it is really time to tell the others where I am. I am worrying that I will disappoint the people in this journey. I don't really think I can stay long in the new company, you know?

"I am now working in a new company. It's a big and global one. I am working something new but not as exciting as the previous job. I treat this as a transition because I am still seeking my ideal job. I am having .... a job but maybe I can have a good prospectus here.Bla bla bla......."

See? Full of doubt. So how can I tell you confidently where I am.

Hence, to conclude......it's not about time to.

收心

一切到此。收拾好心情，迎接新的所有人和事。
過去讓它過去。

失去的，不再計較，路還是要繼續走，只希望，你也過得好.
深呼吸。

*收到了，我會盡快蘇醒。

沒用

真的沒有用，我做什麼也提不起勁。抑鬱....你快點走開好嗎？每天早上都好辛苦.......

There is no coincidence, and nothing happens by accident.

If this applies to my life, I have to and need to accept this, is't it?

Having lain on bed for 2 days and nights having the tears coming out uncontrollably, I forced myself to get out from the bed. Sadness is inevitable while you are losing every faith of your future. But I don't want seeing myself crying like this. Tears can not bring him back to me. If I understand, I should stop doing anything to hurt myself anymore.

Life is getting more and more difficult while I have just focused on what I have lost. I should be grateful that he chooses to keep me in a precious position rather using of me. If it is fate, it is not an accident, it is not about time to, I shouldn’t drill on the same question over and over again. Time will tell me the answer, the answer of why I am suffering from all these now.....

It's painful…but I am so clear that, time will heal my wound. I need to love myself, in order to love the others.

終站

終於，要完結。拖得到現在，也算是意料之外。
剩下來的，就是一幕幕不肯抹走的回憶及片言隻字。
傷心，是因為暫時看不見將來，是因為我決意要見到沒有彎轉的田地。
可惜，你也是與我的路徑相交，在一點相遇後不再重疊。
不捨得也要走呀....
只希望，我可以快一點復完，再跟你像從前...無所不談。

命運毃定了要這麼發生，不要太介懷好了。

眼淚，快一點流乾啦，已經流了很多個小時了.....

It's a sleepless night

It's 5a.m. I was waked up by a knock. I heard an accident happened outside the window. It was a car crash. And I was the only one who noticed this knock in the house. After that..I couldn't fall asleep again.

I tried to sleep but the problems I had started to loop in this vacuum time. Insecure feelings coming up and memories started to wander. Tears dropped. I was stunned that I left my problems in neither Seoul nor Shanghai. They are sticking with me like glue. They are annoying, you know?

The endless stupid questions follow with the memories. Millions of WHY blasted out in just one second. No matter how hard I tried to seal the hard feelings to the deepest place, they are still here.

Any way out?

Days of slicence

It's been the sixth day away from Hong Kong. No internet access, no pressure, no job to follow up, no phone calls and no communication with friends. It's a kind of isolation. It is necessary...especially for me.

Seoul is cold. I love the weather a lot. Ai....I wish this kind of weather can come to Hong Kong. Anybody can tell me when "winter" will come? I need a true winter please.

Heading to Shanghai. Waiting at the broading gate. umum....I miss the KITCHEN guys ...honestly.

催淚蛋

唔.....有冇可能令自己淚管閉塞?......點解可以成日喊到收唔到聲？
好
樣
衰

The importance of afternoon nap

This Sunday is a peaceful one. Thanks for the rain indeed. Sometimes, I love raining. This gives everyone an extra security when you are staying at home.

All of a sudden, I think of making a dessert. I cannot do cookery well, so I work on a simple one -- Macau Pudding.

Not reading the recipe clearly, I bought right ingredient, right blending steps and using right container. But at the end, I found that I didn't make enough layers for the pudding. It states I need to make 7 layers but I end it with only 3. Haaaa.....not sure if it tastes good. It is still inside the fridge...waiting.

hummmmm

I thought I have spent around 1 hour to finish the cooking of this. I felt extremely sleepy afterward.Holiday at home is kinda lovely, I can sleep whenever I feel tired. After an early bath, without having my hair dried, I fell into a deep sleep....To avoid having headache with wet hair, I turned over and I thought the sleeping pose was so stupid, my sister snap my nap.

This nap is wonderful. It was like a recharge. I can sleep without pressure and wake up naturally. I wish I can do it everyday. Don't you think this is good for skin as well?

(500) Days of Summer

(500) Days of Summer
Originally uploaded by filmyap

After how many days?.....I am not sure. But my story didn't take as long as 500 days. With the recent inspiration, I decide to quit writing something sad but to start something happened in my life. This should be the right attitude of blog writing. Isn't it?

Let's start talking about movie.

Last Thursday after work, on the 1st day of the release of "(500) days of summer", I rushed to watch this movie. It is like a mirror....very genuine, realistic, heart-lighted and inspiring. Don't get wrong, it is not encouraging at all. I can say this is totally a sad story. It talks about the truth, the truth of how relationship happens and ends.

It illustrates a very typical relationship phenomenon of this century. "One cares, another not" It is a story about how Tom fell in love Summer, the struggling of Tom to have such an ambiguous relationship, the dilemma of accepting the realistic or fantasy, the difficulty in dispersing the frustration brought by the break up, the faith of accepting the end of the story and how Tom realized the importance of leaving the darkness.

And the most important of all, the story tells why every relationship starts and ends without a clue. “It is coincidence, it is meant to be, it is fate.”

Movie finished, I kept thinking about the story. It is so true....we are human beings, human beings usually do not really fond of seeing something real. We are all living in fantasy, more or less. Humm.....I admit I am the hard core fan of fantasy. But I am changing....I know I am changing.

If I am not going to change the world, what I can do is to change myself to fit into this world. I know that story is coming to an end, but at the same time, I believe it is just another story to start. Take a deep breathe, it is meant to be.

My FMII -- Non-digital world

http://www.flickr.com/photos/carolization/3949346105/
Originally uploaded by Bigheadcarol

After using more than a month's time, I completed the 36 exp film roll. I developed them out this afternoon. Woo....it's amazing.

Unlike using DC, FMII, or to be exact, non-digital photo taking, is full of mystery. Since you cannot preview the photos you took immediately, every press of the shutter becomes anticipating. You can never ensure the latest shoot is a real shoot. A tiny change of setting on shutter or aperture can lose what you have taken. Not until you finished the whole roll, you can really relive your little worry.

So whenever you shoot, using film, you will put extra attention to memories the structure you've just created. While having faith to see that can be developed out, you can't help yourself to worry about losing the last shoot. It's very contradicting when you are in a non-digital world.

Yet the anxiety wouldn't take too long as you just cannot finish one roll of film within a very short while, especially in this digital world. Day follows day, you could hardly remember exactly where and what you have captured. Then the worries are gone when you are overwhelmed by busy work and life.

Still, even the film is still inside the camera, you will miss the photosyou've taken, usually before you fall into asleep.But you know you cannot be too rush to see them coming out....

This is the most magical attraction of non-digital photo taking. The inevitable yet not too significant anxiety makes the shooting more exciting.

Photos developed. You are amazed to see those unfamiliar pictures. I asked myself

"Did I really take those photos? Why I cannot seem remembered clearly I have taken this picture? When and where? Er...yes I did! Didn't I?"

See? It's contradicting, it's delighted though. Similar to life, it's bitter and sweet.

Foto by Mom

Foto by Mom
Originally uploaded by Bigheadcarol

In a night of no direction, I chose to go for a movie...but not alone. It was still too early after the movie. Dearest C should leave for rest, I didn't plan to stay in APM alone. Home....still a bit early though.

Talked to mom for a while, bathing, reading books and finished all the things to prepared for bed time. Sleeping mood is yet to come. Well....getting online is the only way to make myself feel tired.

I stucked my head in retouching my photos again. Dug out the random pictures I took previously, rework them on Photoshop and some software. Well....it is still 11-ish. Time passes so slowly whenever you want to escape from thinking of someone.

I miss him....without denial.

占卜

當一個人心情極度低落，找輔導員傾訢的金錢若花在求神問卜上，效果可能會更佳。
六十元找一個心安理得，相當化算。

但願如此。

父母

幸運是什麼？一向我都知我是個幸運的人，我卻太執著，不懂珍惜父母的愛。
爸爸還有六年便退休，對於我的一事無成，從來他都沒有過問。我卻時時厭他煩，不跟他理論。有事了，便賴在家，理所當然的要他照顧。近來他說腰痛，我卻只間中過問，自問不是不顧家，但實在沒有對這個家出過很大的力，這是我的幸運，不曾想過有天會失去。

媽媽一向身體不好，時時低血壓，她將所有時間都放在這個家上，知我會在家吃飯，便給我煮魚，知我身體不好,使給我養身的湯水，知我人在外不快樂，回家便給我安尉。我呢？為她做過什麼？我想不出來。

我只會任性的想到那裡去便去，把自己的時間和心機都花在不對的人身上，又不是給很多家用，快到三十歲了，連想給父母買樓的念頭都不曾有過，我是一個天下間最蠢的人.....也到這個年頭才發見我磋跎了那麼久，不知所為。

在一個突如其來的假期，在這個可以讓我可以想一想的下午，在房間想著想著，多了一分清晰，我還不夠成熟去擁有自己的家，因為，我不曾報答過這個家。不懂珍惜父母的愛，怎去愛人。

下個月，爸爸叫媽媽和我去旅行。連老爸也知我不快樂，我不配做他們的女兒。幸運到這個地步，溫家穎，你醒未？

Can I start from here?

Considering moving my blog for a long time. Never have the determination to do this because I just found that it's the way too stupid to escape from everything instead of facing it.

Anyhow, I pick the way of escaping from the truth instead of "facing" it.

Having a nice talk with C last Sunday nite....yet, I threw up the emotional trash again. I bet that would be the permanent problem of mine. Nothing can help to heal the wound. The wound created by my stupid mind.

Tonite after work, I indulged myself in reading books at Page One. I was trying to find a book that can help me to read my mind. But then, turning out those with "best selling" labeled "Chicken soap of the soul", they are all just too cliche in telling "you can have a better life" or "Life is full of happiness" . Well....will it be too superficial for a "best book seller" to suggest a seriously bipolar client to live happily just stating out some "rules".

I shouldn't criticize them for this as my case is really extreme. No books can help so far. It's just my ignorance to believe that I could bring a book home tonite which can have a little help in covering my big hole of my heart.

And then I called A for a little chat. Telling her how low energy I am. But it's a way too stupid to find A to talk. It doesn't really make sense to talk to another patient. It was just another way of escapism to seek comfort from someone who has the same emotional problem as mine. I allow myself to think normal when getting consent from the abnormal group.

After all....I escaped again from somewhere to this place. Please continue to read my blog in ....here.